Last night, I prayed for my lost cat. The night before, I stopped by a church and lit a candle for him in front of St. Francis, he who loved animals. So there I was, praying as hard as I could, thinking, all I am praying for is for my cat to come home. And it's true. I can't remember the last time I prayed very hard. It's because at the back of my mind, for quite some time now, I think that God is the sort of cat owner who, when He loses a cat, shrugs it off as the nature of the animal, and thinks that the cat will eventually come back, if it wants to. I don't think he is the sort to put up flyers and ask to be let into the neighbors' yards to conduct a search.
It is not a bitter hunch. I have, after all, a better life than most. But I did get things, good or bad, that I deserved, and also a lot (both good and bad) that I didn't. As do most people. Because of this randomness, I've always silently believed that God set up our blueprints and did the construction, but once the mechanisms have latched into place, He left us all to our own wanderings, until the time to come home. If come home was what we wanted to do, that is.
This will not sit well with my mother, who I suspect is a firm believer of hell. This is the kind of thinking that will lead me straight to it. This will also not sit well with my sister, a devout Christian, who credits all her joy in life to her knowledge that she is loved by God, unconditionally. She prays, all the time, and believes that God weighs in on every conversation she opens with Him. At times, I envy my sister. It must be nice, to go through everyday thinking that Someone is rooting for you, opening and closing doors, shepherding you to a predetermined future. I would like for nothing more than to shed off all of my anxieties and pains and wind them into a ball, and hand them off to Someone to carry for a bit, while I get my bearings. But it has been hard for me to revise in my mind something that I have been whispering to myself for the longest time.
Still, despair makes us do with our entire hearts things that we only half-believe. I whispered all of my prayers out into the dark, and visualized them streaming out into the dark and wide city, eventually up into the sky, where no one is actually listening.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Monthly Favorites: November 2015
Ah sweet November. Before the favorites, a bit of background on this month: It was crunch time for everything. I finally had to present the results of that Masters’ thesis, I had to work on another subject, I had to work, I had to be a good family member and show up to family events, I had to deal with offline drama. It was insane. And so, it probably comes as no surprise that the things I loved most about this month were those that helped me stay within the bounds of the law. Without these, I probably would have gone to the neighborhood sumpak vendor, and, you know where this train of thought goes. On to the favorites.
1.) The bottomless underwear drawer. Every weekday for November, I would get off work and head straight to a coffee shop to write my thesis. Writing is a grind, more so if it’s academic. And when I couldn’t take it anymore, I would ride a bus home and plop straight to bed, exhausted. On weekends, I would get up, head to a coffee shop, and spend all day there (trying) to get my thesis done.
Needless to say, I didn’t have much energy for anything else. Including laundry. My favorite moment all month was when one Thursday, I got home, and was ready to cry because finally, finally there was no choice but to do the laundry if I didn’t want to go commando the next day. And then I opened my cabinet (I keep a hamper at the bottom) to take out my laundry, and lo and behold, amazing grace, I spy a last pair of panties, tucked at the corner of a shelf. I took them out and blessed them (for effect, let’s imagine that I cried a little). Another night that I can sleep instead of washing things. This is probably in effect me telling the world how much underwear I own, but eh, whatever.
2.) That after-thesis-presentation feeling. How do I explain it? My friends are mostly in grad school, so I’ve never had to explain the feeling of working on a thesis to anybody. For the longest time, I was afraid that I would end up extending and extending, and that this thesis would be unfinished, until I finally gave up on my masters. That is how tired I have been. (Granted, it wasn’t only school that was tiring me out, but still…)
Now, since I was in undergraduate school, I have always resolved that I would finish my master’s degree, the reasons for which may be best left for another post. The thought of me not finishing because I was having a hard time would probably be akin to the feeling of: Romeo thinking that after all that eloping, Juliet still ended up dead; Arthur making it to the promised land of Camelot but still ending up cuckolded by Guinevere; everybody else on this planet believing that Adele would release a happy album, and then listening to 25 and finding out that SHE. DID. NOT. I overact, and that last analogy isn’t an analogy of disaster at all, I guess. But the thought of me not finishing, on my second-to-the-last-sem at that, sounds like a love affair ending. So imagine what I looked like when I found out that I was good to go, and I only have to finalize that manuscript.
That’s all I have. But freedom beckons, and maybe, with it, new things.
1.) The bottomless underwear drawer. Every weekday for November, I would get off work and head straight to a coffee shop to write my thesis. Writing is a grind, more so if it’s academic. And when I couldn’t take it anymore, I would ride a bus home and plop straight to bed, exhausted. On weekends, I would get up, head to a coffee shop, and spend all day there (trying) to get my thesis done.
Needless to say, I didn’t have much energy for anything else. Including laundry. My favorite moment all month was when one Thursday, I got home, and was ready to cry because finally, finally there was no choice but to do the laundry if I didn’t want to go commando the next day. And then I opened my cabinet (I keep a hamper at the bottom) to take out my laundry, and lo and behold, amazing grace, I spy a last pair of panties, tucked at the corner of a shelf. I took them out and blessed them (for effect, let’s imagine that I cried a little). Another night that I can sleep instead of washing things. This is probably in effect me telling the world how much underwear I own, but eh, whatever.
2.) That after-thesis-presentation feeling. How do I explain it? My friends are mostly in grad school, so I’ve never had to explain the feeling of working on a thesis to anybody. For the longest time, I was afraid that I would end up extending and extending, and that this thesis would be unfinished, until I finally gave up on my masters. That is how tired I have been. (Granted, it wasn’t only school that was tiring me out, but still…)
Now, since I was in undergraduate school, I have always resolved that I would finish my master’s degree, the reasons for which may be best left for another post. The thought of me not finishing because I was having a hard time would probably be akin to the feeling of: Romeo thinking that after all that eloping, Juliet still ended up dead; Arthur making it to the promised land of Camelot but still ending up cuckolded by Guinevere; everybody else on this planet believing that Adele would release a happy album, and then listening to 25 and finding out that SHE. DID. NOT. I overact, and that last analogy isn’t an analogy of disaster at all, I guess. But the thought of me not finishing, on my second-to-the-last-sem at that, sounds like a love affair ending. So imagine what I looked like when I found out that I was good to go, and I only have to finalize that manuscript.
That’s all I have. But freedom beckons, and maybe, with it, new things.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Monthly Favorites: October 2015
This is a bit hard to do. October flew by so so fast, I'm hard-pressed to think of anything that registered as a favorite. But this might be a good exercise, thinking of something that brightened up the month, regardless of how little the month left an impression. I do want to lessen the feeling that time is just speeding past, but I don't want to feel in the moment if the moment is full of shit anyway. Hence, the need to dredge up the good things, above all others.
But I digress. On to the favorites:
1. The 2 hours of peace and quiet that I've been having most mornings. I requested for a change in shift at work, so I had to time in at 7 and leave at 4. (Everybody else is supposed to come in at 9.) I am NOT a morning person. (Come to think of it, I am not an evening or afternoon person either. I'm just a sleepy person.) So this change was hard---why-don't-I-just-kill-myself-hard. But arriving early at the office turned out to be good for me. I don't think I got more done at work, but it is soothing, to be able to sit down alone for a good two hours before keyboards start clacking away, people start to walk around, and messages start clogging up my Skype. It's by no means chaotic, but I always found it slightly harrowing to come in when things are like that.
Weirdly enough, I went to Bangkok earlier this year and I had 7 days of peace and quiet, because I went alone. And I didn't like it. I was lonely. Happy to be in Bangkok again, but lonely nonetheless.
2. I finally got started on braces. Let me clarify that I am not happy to be wearing them. They aren't as painful as I thought they would be, but they are annoying. The thing about them that brings me joy is that I am paying for them out of my own pocket, and I am not borrowing from anyone to do so. Financing your own life is always a great feeling, isn't it?
3. Roasted rice tea. In some countries, apparently, roasted rice tea is a very humble product. Too easily available, unlike, say, certain varieties of green tea (I forget which) that come from plants that are hard to care for. But I tried roasted rice tea for the first time in October, and it's quite fragrant and comforting. In spite of being warm, it reminds me of frozen pinipig in coconut milk, a cold dessert which happens to be another favorite.
That's all I have for October. But my horoscope says November is a time for things to pick up. My fingers are crossed.
But I digress. On to the favorites:
1. The 2 hours of peace and quiet that I've been having most mornings. I requested for a change in shift at work, so I had to time in at 7 and leave at 4. (Everybody else is supposed to come in at 9.) I am NOT a morning person. (Come to think of it, I am not an evening or afternoon person either. I'm just a sleepy person.) So this change was hard---why-don't-I-just-kill-myself-hard. But arriving early at the office turned out to be good for me. I don't think I got more done at work, but it is soothing, to be able to sit down alone for a good two hours before keyboards start clacking away, people start to walk around, and messages start clogging up my Skype. It's by no means chaotic, but I always found it slightly harrowing to come in when things are like that.
Weirdly enough, I went to Bangkok earlier this year and I had 7 days of peace and quiet, because I went alone. And I didn't like it. I was lonely. Happy to be in Bangkok again, but lonely nonetheless.
2. I finally got started on braces. Let me clarify that I am not happy to be wearing them. They aren't as painful as I thought they would be, but they are annoying. The thing about them that brings me joy is that I am paying for them out of my own pocket, and I am not borrowing from anyone to do so. Financing your own life is always a great feeling, isn't it?
3. Roasted rice tea. In some countries, apparently, roasted rice tea is a very humble product. Too easily available, unlike, say, certain varieties of green tea (I forget which) that come from plants that are hard to care for. But I tried roasted rice tea for the first time in October, and it's quite fragrant and comforting. In spite of being warm, it reminds me of frozen pinipig in coconut milk, a cold dessert which happens to be another favorite.
That's all I have for October. But my horoscope says November is a time for things to pick up. My fingers are crossed.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
The Road to Pagiging Chicks
When I shelled out the money to get my eyes lasered, I opened proverbial floodgates. Just who is this person I've become? Why, around this time last year, the hair on my head was practically fried, because of a bad perm. And I lived with it. I was holding on to clothes I've had since at least college, which was a rosy half-decade past. And I wasn't holding on to the clothes because they have transcended style or were still in good shape. They were serviceable, but I did look stuck in a party everyone left quite sometime ago. In short, I was cheap, and it showed.
I had my eyes lasered partly because I couldn't recognize my relatives when I happen upon them on the streets, and mostly because people I don't know lower their voices when they see me in the library. And I must say, in spite of the resulting dryness of my eyes (which on bad days angers me, because no one in that goddamned clinic even mentioned it, and boy, are my eyes DRY) life has been much easier with perfect eyesight.
Which brings us to the proverbial floodgates. Lasering didn't just make life easier, it also bumped me up into the next level of cute. And I liked it. Suddenly nothing was good enough for me anymore. The ragged clothes were donated. I bought bags, the kind that encourages older relatives to try and make you acknowledge guilt for being so profligate.
Just last night, I was inspecting my teeth in the mirror, fretting because two of my lower teeth were pointed inwards, instead of straight up. And right there, while I was seriously considering braces because of my incorrect bite, I thought, oh my god, just who the hell have I become? Who the fuck cares about my bite?
Oh I know all about the suffering of undue wear on the teeth and all the hoopla that comes with an incorrect bite. But really, mine is a fully functional, albeit ugly mouth. If I bite you it's bound to hurt, and if I bite my dinner it's gonna break into chewable pieces. Shouldn't that be all that matters?
I wish I could tell you that last night's realization was the start of a pivot back towards a frugal, less vain self. Hahaha, no, it was not. I am getting those braces, so there's no lesson to be learned here. Maglalaway kayo sa ngipin kong pantay-pantay. Just wait and see.
I had my eyes lasered partly because I couldn't recognize my relatives when I happen upon them on the streets, and mostly because people I don't know lower their voices when they see me in the library. And I must say, in spite of the resulting dryness of my eyes (which on bad days angers me, because no one in that goddamned clinic even mentioned it, and boy, are my eyes DRY) life has been much easier with perfect eyesight.
Which brings us to the proverbial floodgates. Lasering didn't just make life easier, it also bumped me up into the next level of cute. And I liked it. Suddenly nothing was good enough for me anymore. The ragged clothes were donated. I bought bags, the kind that encourages older relatives to try and make you acknowledge guilt for being so profligate.
Just last night, I was inspecting my teeth in the mirror, fretting because two of my lower teeth were pointed inwards, instead of straight up. And right there, while I was seriously considering braces because of my incorrect bite, I thought, oh my god, just who the hell have I become? Who the fuck cares about my bite?
Oh I know all about the suffering of undue wear on the teeth and all the hoopla that comes with an incorrect bite. But really, mine is a fully functional, albeit ugly mouth. If I bite you it's bound to hurt, and if I bite my dinner it's gonna break into chewable pieces. Shouldn't that be all that matters?
I wish I could tell you that last night's realization was the start of a pivot back towards a frugal, less vain self. Hahaha, no, it was not. I am getting those braces, so there's no lesson to be learned here. Maglalaway kayo sa ngipin kong pantay-pantay. Just wait and see.
Friday, October 9, 2015
Fuck It Fridays 01: September 2015
No, I will not rehash why life is fucked. There may be no one listening, but I am trying to be less whiny. I can, online at least, shut my trap. Anyway, this project was borne of a request I made of April recently: I asked her to assign me a task, to keep me from thinking of the million things I have to do regarding my thesis.
So we came up with this one. We both list the songs that we have been listening to, and explain why they are the songs of the moment. She designed the album art below. (And put up her own playlist here.) Behold, the songs I have had on repeat for the past few weeks:
Ashitta Ni Mukatte, from the YYH OST
This is a song that plays at particularly tender moments of Yu Yu Hakusho. When I sent my list of songs to April, I kept asking her if the song was not familiar at all (I hadn't told her from where I got it). I just can't imagine any 90s kid in the Philippines not watching Yu Yu Hakusho (or Ghostfighter, which is what the series was called here). When the anime aired in the Philippines, cable TV wasn't a thing yet, so most kids were stuck between two channels. (Hah! I sound old.) So there's just no way this song wouldn't be familiar.
And for the record, she said it wasn't, the filthy liar. Anyway, I kept listening to this song because I would put it on and voila, I'm a kid again. My stress falls away, like an involuntary reflex. I can't explain how it happens, it just does.
I tried looking up the meaning of the song, and the closest I got was, "thinking about the future," Good God, I don't want to relate to that just right now.
Marvin Gaye, by Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor
Ahahaha, bakit ba, bastos eh. Aaaand still can't relate. Fuck this shit.
So we came up with this one. We both list the songs that we have been listening to, and explain why they are the songs of the moment. She designed the album art below. (And put up her own playlist here.) Behold, the songs I have had on repeat for the past few weeks:
 |
| art by www.grewlegs.com |
Two Words, by Ms. Lea Salonga
Nope, can't relate to this song.
But doesn't the purity of that singing voice make you want to believe that there exists a person to whom you can say: No trace of sadness / Always with gladness / I do?
And since there will never be another venue for me to say it anyway, let me put it out here for the record: Lea Salonga slays at being patolera online. I don't mean this sarcastically, ha. I think it's honest, and whatever she says inevitably makes sense. So why the hell not? I wish she had a YouTube channel.
Maybe I'm Amazed, by Dave Grohl and Norah Jones
Nope, can't relate to this song either. Well, I have been amazed with a certain person all too often, who just won't get amazed in return. Let's not talk about it.
Maybe we can just talk about people who post these videos of singers. Who are they? How come I can find pages and pages of these people posting this song, and Norah and Dave aren't among them?
I Shall Be Released, by Nina Simone
Thank God I can't relate to this song. The chill in this melody is completely at odds with the lyrics, isn't it? But it makes for cathartic listening. Just you wait, you thesis. I shall be released.
Ashitta Ni Mukatte, from the YYH OST
This is a song that plays at particularly tender moments of Yu Yu Hakusho. When I sent my list of songs to April, I kept asking her if the song was not familiar at all (I hadn't told her from where I got it). I just can't imagine any 90s kid in the Philippines not watching Yu Yu Hakusho (or Ghostfighter, which is what the series was called here). When the anime aired in the Philippines, cable TV wasn't a thing yet, so most kids were stuck between two channels. (Hah! I sound old.) So there's just no way this song wouldn't be familiar.
And for the record, she said it wasn't, the filthy liar. Anyway, I kept listening to this song because I would put it on and voila, I'm a kid again. My stress falls away, like an involuntary reflex. I can't explain how it happens, it just does.
I tried looking up the meaning of the song, and the closest I got was, "thinking about the future," Good God, I don't want to relate to that just right now.
Marvin Gaye, by Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor
Ahahaha, bakit ba, bastos eh. Aaaand still can't relate. Fuck this shit.
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